Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
