I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
i would punch a child for taco bell
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
They have beer where we have blood.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
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