I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
