A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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