Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Randomize
