we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
