Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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