Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
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