At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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