Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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