wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
i now understand why vodka
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
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