Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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