my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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