I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
