Dual....:-)
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Terrible idea I love it
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
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