You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
it's great music for shaving your balls
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
you made out with another girl for some wings
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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