so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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