Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
