is your mom at the bar?
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Sorry about my life...
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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