I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
