I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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