i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Everything about him screamed your future.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Randomize
