allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
My breasts were aching with rage.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
