haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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