I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
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