I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
ttyl tear gas
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Randomize
