1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
as a side note pls kill me
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Randomize
