i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
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