I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
