i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
