I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
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