I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
