if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
