I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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