no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
