i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Randomize
