so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Randomize
