Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
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