did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.