We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year