My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
