I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
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