We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
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Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
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I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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