We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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