Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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