You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
