So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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