Already got asked if we're dating
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
