I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
