He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
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