I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Randomize
