i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
