so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Randomize
