masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
