I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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