you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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