well I can't set my house on fire every night
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
