did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
