she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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